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We stayed on Samui for six days. When we arrived by boat it was hot hot hot. We had made a reservation at a place on Lamai beach which is the second largest resort on the island. Generally it was OK but it was low season and so pretty quiet. Our bungalow was nice and quiet set in a garden a few metres from the beach and with a pool too. We spent the first day by the pool and lazing around doing not much. In the evening we decided to have a walk along the beach to find a place to eat. As I said it was fairly quiet, so near where we were staying there wasn't much going on, but about a kilometre down the beach we could see some lights and taking our torch I convinced Ruth it wasn't far. It turned out to be a bit farther than we had thought especially when half way across the sand a torrential downpour began so that by the time we reached our destination we were completely drenched. I sat and had dinner in the restaurant with my shirt off. Incidentally I ate the hottest meal I have ever eaten there. Chicken with chilli and holy basil leaves. It must have had about thirty bird eye chillis in it and it wasn't so much pleasant as a struggle. Hey Ho.

Palm Trees on Lamai Beach

Ruth sees the funny side after getting soaked on Lamai beach

The next day we decided that we wanted to find somewhere else to stay as it was too quiet we took a trip to the main Samui beach called Chaweng which in contrast was bustling. There were loads of resorts, shops and bars and lots of people on the beach. It was more expensive there and we ended up booking into a place which could only be described as a shithole. The room smelled, the bathroom door wouldn't shut, it had a forest theme on the walls and it generally felt quite measly however it did have a little balcony to sit at and was near the beach and was much cheaper than other places we had enquired at so we went for it. In point of fact the owner of the bungalows was a lady who looked like Maradonna, she was extremely obnoxious and seemed to take a 'service with a grimace' approach, so much so that when we checked out two days later and I gave her the key, thanked her, and said goodbye her only response was to give me a disgusted look, slam the key on the counter and turn away. Just for the record don't stay at Best Beach Bungalows.

Our astoundingly bad wallpaper at Best Beach Bungalows

During our stay we went on the 'Funny Day Safari' which took us in a military style jeep up into the hills of Samui and also around some of the isalnd sights. We stopped at the grandmother and grandfather rocks which are supposed to look like a man's winkle and a lady's fanjita. Most amusing it was with titters and giggles from all directions I can tell you. Next we went to a crocodile farm / elephant sanctuary / monkey tricks school. Where basically you walk through some cages with crocodiles in, get on the back of an elephant for half an hour and then watch a monkey shin up a tree and throw a coconut down. It was mostly ditressing as the animals didn't seem very happy. But I saw an elephant kick a football..........wow can you imagine it, an elephant kicking a football. What next a parrot playing snooker, or a horse on stilts? A bit rediculous and not to my taste really.

Grandfather Rock...it looks like a, oh I'm embarassed....hehe!

We carried on after this up into the hills on very steep and windy tracks, some of them just mud, but the jeep was very powerful and didn't struggle. Our driver said to us before we started this stretch, "Don't worry, you might think, 'why is he driving so fast?' but sometimes I have to drive fast to get up the hill." Personally I think he liked driving fast but it was great fun in the back as we were all over the place. We stopped for lunch at a viewpoint restaurant, the view was great, and then back into the jeep for more driving in the hills. This drive was even more bumpy than before and more fun. The driver stopped a couple of times to grab a machete out of his glove box, shin up a tree, cut some exotic fruits down and hand them out, I think by now you are getting an impression of this guy. He was a bit out there. The climax of the drive was a huge ramp on the top of the hill which he took us over at about 40mph before slamming the brakes on at the edge of a cliff - everyone screaming with fear by this point. Apart from he himself who was laughing his head off. We went down from the hill to the Big Buddha which is a thirty foot high golden Buddha on Samui, it was pretty impressive and you get great views from there so was a relaxing end to the day.

The foul smelling Durian Fruit which grows on Samui and SE Asians can't get enough of

There endeth the fun on Samui because for the next two days I was sick as a dog. Laid up in my room, which incidentally was a better place we had found in Chaweng, I can only describe this illness as disgusting and will not go into the details but suffice to say you wouldn't have wanted to be there. Thanks to Ruth, who looked after me lots, I was better in a couple of days and we went to Ko Phangnan.

Lots of people were waiting at the end of the rickety pier that we hobbled off the boat onto. A guy asked me if I wanted a taxi. 'Yes', I did. It turned out that his taxi was actually a 4WD pick up and we were in the back but it wasn't so bad and we got to our bungalow in about ten minutes. We had chosen to stay at 'Simple Life' bungalows on Sairee Beach. It was basic with a bed, a fan, and a bathroom with a cold shower and we were glad of the mosquito net that we had brought with us. We told them we'd stay a couple of days maybe more if we liked it. We ended up staying seven nights and at 400 baht (6 quid) a night it was reasonably good value.

Boats line the shore at Sairee Beach

Ko Tao is a tiny island. You could take a boat around it in about 1 to 2 hours and it has a reputation as one of the best diving centres in Thailand and the world. Sairee is the longest beach on the island with about 8 or so bungalow outfits and it had a laidback atmosphere mainly created, for me, by the waiters at Simple Life restaurant who were so chilled out that any more and they would have been asleep. As he listened to the cool house and chill out music and waved his fist in a forward motion the barman would say to me 'It's chillin' yeh?!' He did this about three times a day and I would reply 'yeh yeh yeh' and nod my head every time. One of the guys had a habit of singing in Thai to the customers in a really high pitched voice with his eyes closed and his hand on their shoulder like he was singing a love song which had them embarassed and the rest of the bar laughing. I sat in that bar every day for at least four hours drinking cocnut or mango shakes, or beers and reading, playing pool or just watching the sea. It was 'the simple life'. The beach was beautiful too, the waves were gentle, the swimming good and the water clear. Longtail boats would line the shore taking diving groups in and out and bringing fish to the restaurants but not so many that you would be disturbed by the engine noise too much.

A Heron enjoys the simple life and maybe a fish or two if he's lucky

We didn't dive as it would have cost us about 140 quid each to do a four day diving course, which we would have needed not having dived before. However we did take a snorkelling trip one day which was a good experience. We had five stops around the island to dive off the boat and snorkel for about half an hour each time. There were loads of fish and coral to see and it was sometimes quite amazing underwater scenery although we didn't get to see some of the dive sites that are so famed for their beauty. In particular I had read about the Japanese Garden which is supposed to be amazing with corals of all different shapes and colours, big fish like Tuna, and eels and sharks swimming around you. Maybe another time.

The food and particularly, as you can imagine, the seafood was great. A big plate of spicy seafood salad with prawns, squid and fish was about 60 baht (90 pence) as was a big bowl of curry with rice. I think I had about six spicy seafood salads in the time I was there - I couldn't get enough of them. The restaurant got quite busy in the evening with diners from nearby bungalows coming to eat and listen to the music which in my opinion was the best there was to offer.

Other than eat, read, sunbathe, sleep and that one trip we really didn't do too much and it was the perfect place to relax and reflect after the intense month or so of travelling beforehand. One evening sticks in the mind although not that readily I must admit. I decided to go to the bar for a couple of afternoon Changs (the local beer 6.5% -oooh!) at about 4pm. What the hell. Ruth said she would join me soon but two hours and four large Changs later she finally turned up. We ate some dinner and Ruth said she was going back for a sleep so I went and sat on the balcony for a while but then returned to the bar for a 'digestif', as they say in France. Anyway, a few gin and tonics later and I got talking to some of the diving instructors who were going out for the evening I said I would go along and that is pretty much the last thing I remember about it although I must have made some sort of impression as the next day I had the embarassing experience of not being able to remember people's names when they were saying hello to me. After that I laid a little low and stayed off the Changs.

We decided to make our next stop Ko Samui which is the largest and most commercial of the three islands on the gulf coast and it would prove to be quite different to our experince on Ko Tao.

Well we arrived Bangkok at a relatively quiet and calm Airport -not what I expected really. No-one tried to extort money from me or rifle through my bags, we were through passport control and outside within 30 minutes. Not exactly proving the horror stories that you hear of. The one daft thing we did do was order a taxi from the stand just outside the airport door. This cost 700 baht (about 10 quid) and whilst the service was good we could have got a regular taxi for about about 100 baht. You live and learn. We were staying at the Century Park Hotel which is the epitomy of style, class and sophistication only the best, of course, for Yamma every time. Or should I say this time! The room was so big that Ruth did a celebratory run and several jumps around. It had a walk in wardrobe with real slippers and gowns, air con, a huge glass walk in shower and more toiletries than you can shake a stick at. (Why do they give you crappy toothbrushes though?) Good value at about 35 quid a night through Asiarooms.com. This sort of luxury was of course an indulgence which we booked six months before in England and not something you can afford to do for a year! But it was worth it for the rooftop pool with waterfall and jacuzzi attached.

We were only staying for three days before travelling around the country and we were pretty tired after spending the last month constantly on the move so generally we didn't do a great deal and hung around the hotel quite a bit. We did however visit Patpong on the first night we were there. This is the main red light district with gogo bars and massage parlours all around. Girls who barely look old enough to be finishing their GCSE's line the streets outside every place. We must have been asked about 20 times whether we wanted to see a ping pong show. I'm not totally sure what we looked like walking around but I'm fairly convinced that we looked like a normal 28 year old man and his girlfriend so why they would think we would want to see it I don't know. Anyway I couldn't talk Ruth into it! The whole place is teeming with people at night and a loud market selling allsorts crowds the streets that are lined with the aforementioned bars. Its quite a crazy but not that pleasant a place and I think that some of the people (and their kids) that were there were a bit shocked. I wouldn't recommend it as a family destination.

We generally found Bangkok to be quite confusing, we tried to find a bar to sit in during the day but outside of an area called Banglamphu (the other side of town to where we were staying) they don't seem to exist. This meant that we spent a lot of time wandering around and hanging out in internet cafes. The skytrain was the main resource for us when travelling around the city because there was a stop near the hotel, although because its so huge we didn't get to see a great deal of Bangkok this way. We did visit the Chatuchak Market on our final day which is a mindblowing eight thousand stall metropolis of a market. It pretty much sells everything you could ever think of and is a great place to buy souvenirs, clothes and food. It so huge though you need to have an idea of what you want before you go. We staggered around the tiny lanes full of stalls for about three hours before finally giving in to heat exhaustion, fatigue and deafness and went back to the quiet peaceful hotel with air con, cocktails and Italian restaurant.

Bangkok train station

One thing I want to mention about my stay at the Century Park Hotel is breakfast. It truly has the greatest breakfast I have ever eaten. I was getting through three courses every morning. I would start with a salad of pineapple, watermelon, papaya and grapefruit together with a selection of fine fruit juices. Moving on to the cooked selection I would have bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns, beans, tomatoes and toast and I would round off my morning munch with a danish pastry a cup cake and two coffees. You aint gonna eat all day after that. Until lunch.

A little bit drunk on the train...and sporting my new haircut... which cost less than a pound!!!

We took the train from Bangkok to Chumphon, it took fourteen hours overnight and I think I probably had one two many Chang beers as you can see from the picture. When we arrived at four in the morning and had to wait until six for a boat I wasn't too happy. Our destination was Ko Tao the smallest and most remote of the inhabited islands on the Gulf Coast and after a three hour boat journey, on which everyone looked wrecked from over travel, we finally got there.

Ruth despairs at my despicable behaviour

Thanks to Qiang who has pointed out a mistake. In my recent post on Hong Kong I mentioned that Shenzhen in China has a population of 30 million. This was incorrect and the population is, in fact, just over 10 million. Thanks again Qiang.

Two things strike you as you come into Beijing by train. Firstly the scenery around the city is spectacular - mountains tower up above the tracks with lakes and trees emerging in between them. Secondly you hit the high rise. Rows and rows of tower blocks block the view some of them old looking, some new, some still being built. All of them huge. There are 13 million people in Beijing (I think, although I haven't counted them) and I reckon they all live in tower blocks.

We arrived to Beijing station at about 9.30 am and there were people everywhere. We said goodbye to our travelling companions and went off to find a taxi. The trouble with being in a taxi in Beijing when you can't speak any Mandarin is that the driver certainly can't speak English. He seemed not to know where he was going at first and made several calls on his mobile but for all I know he could have been ordering a pizza. Ruth and I sat nervously wondering whether he had a clue and we weaved in an out of the rush hour traffic before he turned into a side street, 'Harmony Hotel!' It felt as though he had stumbled across it almost by accident but we were there.

The hotel was great - big room with en suite right in the thick of things so we got sorted and went off the day. We walked maybe twenty minutes to Tiananmen Square which, like everything in Beijing, is huge. On the way we were constantly stopped by Chinese guys saying, 'You wanna buy Mao watch, Mao book, 2008 hat, best prices', I hadn't expected it but there were hawkers everywhere trying to sell tat, mostly related to the upcoming Olympics or the omnipresent Chairman Mao who everybody seems to be in awe of despite the fact that he's been dead for thirty years. The square itself is impressive and has several gates and official buildings in it. The two days we were there, especially the second as it was Saturday, it was teeming with people - mostly Chinese queuing to see Mao's Tomb. In the square we were stopped by quite a lot of Chinese people asking us where we were from and lots of questions about where we were going, generally people were very friendly and seemed to have a genuine interest in talking to you and telling you something about China. We went with a student called Jun that we met in the square to see an exhibition of his college's art work which was all very good. At the end he was trying to sell us all the art he could but we ended up just buying a caligraphy scroll that he wrote for us for a few pounds. For the record and so that I don't forget, the message said 'For my English fiends, Ruth and Mark, Wishing you always luck and happiness'. At least that what he told us although it may say, 'For the stingy English who wouldn't buy my paintings, up yours!'

Tiananmen Square Gate

That evening we went for a meal and as Ruth could not wait any longer for the infamous Peking Duck we tried to find a restaurant that was recommended in our guide. We were not aided by the fact that the follwing day I realised the hotel wasn't where I thought it was on the map and so we ended up walking around for about an hour until finally a trishaw driver picked us up. He had a card with the name of the restaurant on it in English! We should have done that in the first place I guess. The Duck was great, cooked on an open fire and brought to your table whole for inspection before being whipped off to the kitchen to be sliced up for you, it was the best we've ever had.

The next day we visited the Forbidden City which is a complex of palaces, buildings and gardens that was originally home to the Emperors of China and it was forbidden for the rest of the population, hence, the forbidden city. It is difficult to describe how big this place is but suffice to say there are over 9,000 different buildings. Ruth and I spent about 3 hours there looking at various exhibits and wandering across courtyards and gardens before we decided we had seen just about all we could bear and went for some tea. On leaving we bumped into two guys from Xian in northern China who were keen to talk to us, they asked us all about where we were from and were telling us about Tiananmen square as we walked with them, it transpired that were so keen to talk because they wanted to be volunteers for the Olympics in 2008 and were brushing up on their foreign speak. They invited us to go to a tea ceremony with them but we already had plans to go to the Temple of Heaven so we politely declined and made our way there, encouraged by the absolute friendliness of the ordinary chinese people.

A Lion Guards one of the Palaces in the Forbidden City

The Temple of Heaven was a good walk away so we took our time. On the way a funny thing happened when a guy stopped Ruth in the street. He was quite a flamboyant looking character and at first we couldn't understand what he was saying but eventually he said in broken English, "I am hairdresser - you need haircut." I, of course, thought this was hilarious but I think Ruth was a bit perturbed after her initial amusement and we didn't stop. The temple of Heaven was OK but, much the same as the forbidden city, it somehow lacked character most of it having been heavily restored and because the original features that were there did not permit entrance and you had to kind of peer through windows at them in the middle of the baying crowds. We stayed a couple of hours and sat for a while in the park that surrounded the temple which, we agreed, was the nicest part about it.

Temple Of Heaven

In the evening we were pretty cream crackered after our long day so we decided to eat near to the hotel. I had scouted the road for restaurants and we went to one only a few yards away. The food was fantastic and cheap but there was loads, Ruth ate too much and then sat white as a sheet in front of me at the table looking rather ill. I waited a while for her to come round out of her 'food trance' but it wasn't happening so we went back to the hotel and Ruth passed out asleep in about 0.005 seconds. I had two beers.

The next day, our last in Beijing, we travelled to The Great Wall. We had wanted to see some of the less visited parts but time was not on our side so we decided that a tour to the tourist site at Badaling (which is where all the pictures that you see of the great wall are taken) was the best we could manage. We took a Chinese tour as this was the most economical way - almost four or five times cheaper than the Western ones advertised at our hotel. We drove for about an hour on the bus from the centre of Beijing and stopped first at a Jade factory where Ruth bought a bracelet. I was trying to convince her that buying a Jade tea pot and cups for a little less than 150 pounds was a shrewd investment, however, as usual my sharp business acumen was thwarted by Ruth's prudency and I got some sweets instead. We had lunch in a restaurant next to this which was quite a funny experience. We were on a big round table of about ten people, all Chinese, various dishes were brought out and a huge pot of rice. We all started tucking in and it was intriguing to see the different ways that the Chinese ate - some of them scooping it in with their bowls about an inch from their face like a machine and some of them picking ever so daintily at it. I am right handed, Ruth is left handed so eating with chopsticks next to each other is sometimes not such an easy task, at one point Ruth flicked my chopsticks with her elbow just as I had piled some rice on to them and it flew all over me, much to our amusement.

Elephant chair in the garden of the Ming Tombs

After lunch we visited the Ming tombs which were wholly unimpressive basically comprising of some steps down to a chamber with some replica wooden boxes on a plinth and some stairs back out, although to its credit the gardens were beautiful and shaded with juniper trees. Then back to the bus for the main event. We arrived to Badaling about half an hour later and walked up to where we took a chain operated car up to the Wall. Once on the Wall itself it was a magnificent sight, from any point on it you can see it snaking off in both directions and there are lots of different walkways and steps leading from it which you don't really see in photographs. It is truly huge and the views are stunning. We took lots of pictures. All around where we were people were trying to sell us things. Mostly completely and utterly unusable shite that you wouldn't buy in a million years. At one point a woman threw a T-shirt over my shoulder and follwed me saying 50 yen, 40 yen, 30 yen, 20 yen, 10 yen. I couldn't work out whether she was giving me prices for different shirts or whether this particular shirt was falling in price so quickly that she placed almost no value on it at all. I didn't buy it, mainly because it said, 'I CLIMBED THE GREAT WALL' on it which I presumed was written in an American accent and was worn by fat kids with ice creams the world over.

The Great Wall snakes off into the distance

The wall had been good but it was hot and we had walked up and down the steep slopes for quite a while so we decided to have a rest we went back down the cable car and through the bear enclosure which is at the foot of the site. Just as we were getting near to where the tour bus was a voice called out offering us the only completely and utterly useable thing that was for sale, 'Cold Beer' We had one each.

Getting back to Beijing was tough, traffic had jammed the highway into the city and it was gridlocked, it took us the best part of three hours. As we came to the drop off point we passed loads of stuff that we hadn't noticed before such as bars restaurants and shops that weren't even far from our hotel. You only seem to be just discovering a place when you have to leave the next day. We wished we could have stayed longer. That night we ate simply and extremely cheaply at a tiny restaurant near our hotel. It was the kind of place where everyone shouts and people spit on the floor (although spitting seems to be the national sport in China) but the food was delicious and we were stuffed. We had a 0730 flight so we went to bed early after booking a disgustingly early wake up call.